What comes first? Sleeplessness or the process? Do I think to the point I’m deprived of sleep? Or am I deprived because I can’t shut off the endless circus of bullshit that is parading trumpeting monkeys 2 by 2 between my ears?
Nobody believes in insomnia until one of two things happen: they need something from the sleepless or they become one themselves. Even then, it’s a fleeting glimpse into the world of the chronically awake. You can’t quite understand the fear of not sleeping until it’s real. 52 hours real (my personal record, I know others may have put this to shame).
My personal theory is that my creativity is a coping mechanism for too many hours awake. It takes the place of dreams I’m not having and it adds color to the world when being tired drains it.
The lucky part is that it’s cyclic. So really, it’s like weathering out a shitty date–it can’t possibly go on forever. Once you pay the bill, the choice is yours.
The shitty part is that it’s cyclic. It’s going to happen again.
But, just like Camus said, Sisyphus doesn’t have to be miserable pushing his boulder. It’s a chore, not being able to sleep without medication…getting used to the medication…taking stock in chamomile tea…but it can be a game. You can use it to your advantage.
For example: my son thinks he can’t get away with anything because dad is always awake–so he confesses household crimes I’d never have discovered.
My wife thinks I always need sleep, so when I cycle out of Insomnia I still can use it as an excuse for naps.
It’s only evil if it’s not funny.
Or I get caught–but then it’s a motive.